I just put baby down for a nap and really should be cleaning right now.......

But you know how that goes.

We had our second anniversary a couple of weeks ago and I bought my husband a new bike. He had left an old rusty one locked up (we didn't have the key to the lock anymore) at our old cruddy apartment in Englewood. I told him that it wasn't worth the effort to get the lock off. It was an old rusted out piece of junk with a bent pedal that squeaked everytime he pushed. It was also way too small for him, he's 6'5", and his back hurt him whenever he rode. He was sad and told me that it had been a good bike to him these many years, but I felt that it was a good way for us to de-junk and move on. Well, a year later I suprise him with a new one, nothing special - just a Schwinn that I got at Target, not as expensive as my old one, just your basic mountain bike. He finally took it out for a spin this last weekend and came in beaming! He said that he loved it, and kept saying how nice it was, which made me very happy. But then he said something that made me pause, he said "I'm not used to having such nice things." You see when we got married he had an awful car; rusted out, smoking oil, thrashed interior, etc. etc. And when I got some money from an accident settlement we bought a used Volvo. Now he has a new bike and we are going to be moving into a nicer apartment. He grew up poor (I did too), and his parents have apparently never had a nice car, or things like that. But the thing is that we didn't spend a ton of money on these things, and believe me we are still living poor, and we have used cars, don't buy a lot of things all the time and try to live within our means. I guess the idea that has been going through my mind is that sometimes I think that we don't allow ourselves to have nicer things if we grew up without money. I think that this kind of feeling that " I don't deserve better" or " This is all I can get" can really limit people. We could have spent the same amount of money on a junky car believing that that was all we could get, instead of looking at other options and finding the deal that we did.
It makes me think of the relationships that I have had in the past. I used to think that I only attracted certain types of men because that was all I deserved. I dated men very similar to my father, carless and or reckless with money, arrogant, demeaning to me and manipulative. I would let these men, one in particular, take over my life and wreak havoc. Then one day while bemoaning my fate I realised that perhaps the reason that I seemed to only attract these jerks and not the good guys was because I thought that was all I could get, or all that I deserved, because I wasn't perfect. I decided to change my attitude about what I deserved, and started trying to convince myself that I deserved a nice man because I was a nice woman. And wouldn't you know it, within a month really decent guys began to ask me out. I don't know what changed, was it how I carried myself, or did my whole aura change? I had some nice boyfriends and was even engaged to someone for a while, and though it didn't work out(painfully so), he never treated me badly.
A few years later I met my husband who is one of the most decent, talented and hard working men I have ever known. And though I constantly fight the urge to self-loath, I remind myself that even though I grew up poor(bad example of a father), and am not rich now ( my imperfections ) I can still find a good deal If I am willing to look in new places and open my self to new possibilities.

I want to be someone who says interesting, funny or insightfull things on my blog, but I'm not sure that's gonna happen. By the time I get Mr. Man to sleep or sit in his bouncy seat long enough to accomplish anything - all of my clever and whitty life observations have been long vacated from this noggin of mine. Right now he is in his snugli and I am writing as quickly and quietly as I can. It's harder than I thought, to type with a baby hanging in a contraption on your front ( as though I was pregnant but could access the baby alot easier ).

I went to Utah for our baby's blessing this last week and the traveling was disasterous........every thing that could go wrong, did - well nearly everything, we didn't crash. I had decided to try to fly stand by on JetBlue, but got stranded in the JFK airport overnight. Normaly this would have been bad but do-able, but with an infant it was horrible. My husband got us a room at a nearby hotel, but when I got there the room was dirty. So I called down to the front office, a man answered and told me he was sending housekeeping. Half an hour later with a screaming baby and no housekeeping, I called again. This time a woman answered and told me that she would just get me another room (figures that a woman would get the job done and a man would try to send someone else....), but when we went to the other room it was dirty as well. Well at about 1:30 am I finally got into a clean room, and was able to calm the baby down. Then every hour I got a call from orbitz for my husband's flight to "update" him. I didn't sleep more than 45 min. incriments that night and then had to be up at 7am. The next day I flew to L.A. trying to get on a flight from there to SLC...JetBlue only flies into SLC from two places, JFK and Long Beach. But by the time I got to L.A. the Long Beach flight was full, so my husband (who had left our home after I had, and gotten there before I did) bought me a ticket to SLC. It took me two days to fly there, and I was exauhsted. Of course the whole time we were out there we wanted to see people and friends and family.....so no time for real rest yet. The blessing was great, ton's of people came, 36 just from my family and my mom's twin's fam. but not all of my siblings or aunties kids came...I come from a pretty big family. I stayed a day longer than my husband and my in-laws, bless them, decided just to buy me a ticket home instead of me trying to do stand-by again. So I flew all day that tuesday and got to the airport looking forward to getting home, even though I still had a two hour drive to get home, and the airline had lost a piece of my luggage. I lost it, I just started to cry. I called my hubby and blubbered to him while I was waiting in line to talk to baggage claim customer service (20 min.). There were 3 people ahead of me in line and they heard me, and were kind enough to let me go first. I finally got home around 11pm that night, and the only thing that made everything feel better was that I missed all of the airport mess because of the british terror alerts by one day. Can you believe it? And this is the abbreviated version!!!!

ok....

this is it, my first blog.

My Husband wanted me to do one now that I'm home with our baby, but I'm fairly certain that I won't write often. Our son is colicky and very time-consuming, so most of the day is spent trying to keep him from crying. Who said motherhood would be easy? No one!